What I Learned From Wearing Makeup Is...

Over the last several weeks, I have actually made attempts at wearing makeup. At first, my skin was breaking out, my eyes were constantly itching and watering, and my face looked like a drag queen's nightmare. Now that I've learned some stuff, it's a lot better.

1. Makeup basically has a six month expiration period. If it's more than six months old, replace it.

2. To do cat eye makeup, use a credit card (or your ugly old drivers license) to get those nice geometric lines.

3. Peroxide is great for temporarily hiding blackheads, but a sterilized bobby pin will remove them in a pus-laden blaze of glory.

4. If you accidentally overuse makeup, put translucent powder over it. Most people won't notice.

5. Contouring is actually way easier than YouTube makes it look. Just make a 3 with the darker shade and a C with the highlighter.

6. Really actually clean your brushes after every use. A gentle antibacterial cleanser and hot water is all you need. Make sure to air dry.

7. If you don't believe 6, try it once.

8. Spend a little more on brushes so they'll last a long time.

9. Sex toy cleaner is perfect for cleaning brushes since it's designed for things that come in direct contact with the most sensitive areas of the body.

10. Throw away every latex makeup sponge you've ever used. They are disgusting and will leave you all streaky and gross.

11. Eyebrows are EVERYTHING. Groom them.

12. Heat your mascara up before you use it; it will save you from bitching about clumpy lashes later. Just stick it in your bra before you start doing your makeup.

13. Use an all-natural soap as a makeup remover. Yes, I do mean wash your face.

14. Unscented baby wipes are amazing at removing eye makeup.

15. Actually scrub your face in small circles. This seems arbitrary but makes a huge difference.

16. Primer is amazing. Use it.

17. Moisturize like a good girl.

19. Weirdly enough, a children's toothbrush with a little bit of your normal face wash can make all the difference between your lipstick lasting five minutes or all day.

20. Lip liner is your friend.

21. Use as much makeup as you want. It's your face, and makeup is supposed to be fun.

OH GOD!

So I've gone a few days without posting. A lot has been going on, but I am about to start my period so I needed a super fast chocolate and peanut butter fix. Here's a chocolate and peanut butter mug cake.

3 tbps. Self-Rising Flour
3 tbsp. Dark Chocolate Dreams or Nutella
3 tbsp. Milk (dairy or non)
1 ½ tbsp. Agave nectar or sugar or maple syrup
3 tbsp. Chocolate chips or peanut butter chips or Reese's Pieces.

Mix everything in a mug with a fork until it looks like traditional cake batter, and microwave it on high for 90 seconds or until it's firm but springy. Use whatever peanut butter you used in the recipe to ice it, use that can of frosting you were going to eat for dinner tomorrow to ice it, use whipped cream, or just dig right in.

Just digging in is my favorite way.

HOLY COW! THREE IN ONE NIGHT!

I forgot about the awesome dinner I made earlier. For non-vegan, substitute the soy milk and vinegar for buttermilk and the nutritional yeast with parmesan cheese. It will still be vegetarian and delightful. Here is a recipe for tofu parmesan, excellent for a quick protein-packed snack (as individual slices), a high quality protein to go with your balanced breakfast (serve on whole grain toast smeared with avocado and sriracha. Yum!), or a decent dinner protein to go with some garlic and herb quinoa and sauteed mushrooms and spinach.

Hardware:
Large nonstick skillet
Slotted spatula
Tea towel
Paper towels
Knife
Whisk
Books (3 or 4)
2 large bowls

Ingredients:
1 block extra firm tofu (directions on prep follow)
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 tbsp corn starch
½ cup nutritional yeast
2 tsp garlic powder
2 tsp onion powder
2 tsp salt
1 tsp black pepper
1/2 tsp rubbed sage or thyme or whatever herbs you like (I just like sage. Bite me.)
1 cup unsweetened plain soy milk
1 tbsp apple cider vinegar (I like Bragg.)
2 tbsp olive oil or nonstick spray

Place a tea towel on the counter, and top it with eight paper towels (four on each side, it will be folded over shortly). Put the drained block of tofu on one stack of paper towels, and fold the tea towel and other stack of paper towels over to completely cover the tofu. Put three or four books on top to press it down. This will get the excess water out of the tofu and give it a much meatier texture. While the tofu is pressing, gather the other ingredients and hardware.

In one bowl, mix together the flour, corn starch, half the nutritional yeast, half the garlic powder, half the onion powder, half the salt, half the pepper, and half of the rubbed sage. In the other, mix together the rest of the ingredients and set to one side for five minutes to set up.

Place the skillet over medium-high heat, and drizzle the oil or spray with nonstick spray. While it heats up, slice the tofu width-wise into eight equal pieces. Coat each piece in the milk mixture then in the flour mixture, and place in the hot pan. I suggest not doing more than four at a time. Cook on each side 3-5 minutes until golden brown and crispy.

Late Night Crossword

When I do crosswords late at night, I get beefed up on my vocabulary, and I get inspired for drink recipes. This is a black and white cocktail, excellent for your late night crosswords or your next theme party or tuxedo night.

You'll need:
A spoon
A mason jar with lid (or cleaned out jelly jar with lid)
A (chilled) martini glass
A cocktail shaker
Ice
Chocolate syrup
1 ½ oz Heavy cream (or vegan creamer)
1 oz Kahlua
2 oz Whipped cream or vanilla vodka
¼ oz Triple sec (orange liquor... Sounds weird, but trust me on this.)

Take the martini glass out of the freezer, and fill the cocktail shaker with ice. Add the triple sec, Kahlua, and vodka to the shaker and shake for 30 seconds. Strain into the glass. Put the cream in the Mason jar and shake vigorously until it's nice and foamy. Pouring over the back of the spoon, carefully float the cream on top of the black layer. Gently drizzle chocolate syrup over the cream. I do my initials, but swirls and zigzags also look pretty. Admire its beauty then drink up.

Shoutout to Ashley G. PB&J Cookies

One of my favorite foodie followers, Ashley, is undoubtedly reading this and is even more undoubtedly trying to get a respectable mommy day drunk on. Since her little heathens probably aren't too keen on health food, this one is for her to disguise healthy fats, protein, and fiber in the form of a very very simple cookie. She can find the only odd or unusual ingredient at Foodland, Publix, and I think Walmart has started carrying it.

Secretly Healthy PB&J Thumbprints

For the cookies:
1 ½ cups all-purpose flour
1 cup peanut butter
¼ cup canola or vegetable oil
½ cup agave nectar

For the jelly filling:
1 cup no sugar added strawberry jelly
½ cup NSA orange juice
¼ cup chia seeds

Preheat the oven to 400°F.

Put all the cookie dough ingredients in a large bowl, and mix on high until it comes together smoothly. Place in the refrigerator while the jelly filling is prepared.

To make the jelly filling, take the jelly and orange juice and whisk them together in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat. Once it starts bubbling slightly but not boiling, add the chia seeds, and whisk constantly for 2-3 minutes or until the mixture is syrupy and thick.

Remove the cookie dough from the refrigerator, and break out your best cookie sheet. Line it with aluminum foil or parchment paper to make cleanup a little easier. Using a tablespoon measure, portion out twelve cookies and roll each one into a ball. Put them on the cookie sheet and make a divot in each one with your thumb. Using a teaspoon or small eating spoon, put jelly into the center of each cookie.

Bake for 10-12  minutes. Remove from oven, and allow to cool for ten minutes on the cookie sheet before moving to a cooling rack for 30-60 minutes.

Apple Puckertini

Because I am a mature adult with a very refined palette, this is a very mature cocktail that tastes like a green apple jolly rancher.

1 oz Bombay Dry Gin
1/4 oz Watermelon Pucker
1/4 oz Apple Pucker
3 oz Apple Juice

Garnish:
Sour apple slice
Watermelon wedge
Lemon twist

Pour into a mixing glass filled with ice, and stir. Strain into a martini glass. Using a cocktail skewer, curl the lemon twist, gently fold the apple slice, and add the watermelon wedge. Drink up.

Crazy Simple Protein Potassium Shake

Most people ask me where I get all my protein and stuff from, and those people are fools. I get my protein from the same place their protein gets their protein. This is one of the tastier ways.

Makes 4 milkshakes

5 slightly overripe banana, chopped up and frozen
1/2 cup Peanut butter (I used dark chocolate dreams from Peanut Butter Company)
1/2 tsp. Vanilla extract
2 tbsp. Agave nectar
2 cups plain soy milk (I used unsweetened, but you could also use dark chocolate almond milk)
1 package silken tofu, drained and frozen
Optional:
1 tbsp. Cocoa powder
1/2 cup carob chips
2 tbsp. Chia seeds
2 tbsp. Flax meal (or flax seeds)

Break out the blender, and throw in the frozen bananas, silken tofu, and all the optional ingredients, if using. Blend until only slightly lumpy. Add peanut butter, vanilla extract, agave nectar, and soy milk, and blend until desired consistency. Add a little more peanut butter if it's too watery. Serve with a crazy straw.